Getting Clear: DON'T JUST SURVIVE, LIVE!
Yesterday, I had a breakthrough, and it came in the form of a breakdown (as mine often do). I'm a highly emotional and sensitive person with wounds that start in the early years of my childhood and extend to the recent past (not uncommon for most of us). I've talked in the past, on this blog, about how the process of starting a business and method has revealed certain self-held "beliefs" & "truths" and yesterday I got closer to where they had begun.
As for many of us, these "beliefs" are shaped when we are young. My father was not around, my parents divorced before I could have any memories of them together, so them being apart wasn't difficult for me. The hard part was not receiving the love from my father that I had become accustomed to. This then manifested into a "belief" that I was not worthy of love. I began to see, as our relationship became more toxic and estranged, that I held the "belief" that in order to be loved you must be perfect.
I have spent most of my life trying to be perfect for everyone, and it's wearing at me. It, along with other self-assumed "truths," have directed my life to be where it is - some would say that "it is a good thing - look at where you are, or how far you've gotten." Yet at night, I go to bed thinking it was not enough, and too exhausted to do anything about it because I physically don't have the energy anymore.
So many of us, especially in a highly competitive place like New York, push ourselves everyday to:
- meet the demands of our job
- meet the expectations of our clients
- meet the needs of our family and loved ones
- have a sexy and desirable body
- dress like the coolest person ever
If fear of failure, lack of love, and the attention and awe of others is what's driving you, let me tell you, it will only serve you for so long. You will wear yourself out, and you will probably hate yourself and your life more than you had before. It's not healthy, but maybe it can be a means to get you to wake up!
Your journey and my journey are not so different. It annoys me that the fitness industry (for the most part) pushes perfect abs, butt, legs, waistlines. Are these people real? It doesn't seem like it, I cannot relate - they're not talking about connecting into one's body, they're just saying do these exercises, do this diet. Well, I don't think it's that cut and dry; there is no one size fits all.
I've tried for years to "control" my eating and workouts, so that I could just be the perfect size, just look perfect naked, and just be perfectly happy when I look down at my belly. I've been injured several times by methods touting that they are the best and no other, and I've danced on the line between anorexia and bulimia. All just so I could be happy with what I see in the mirror.
So here's what I propose, instead of hating what you see in the mirror, start loving it and accept it. People who really love you don't care if you're a size 2, they care about your happiness. Are you happy?
- Does that gnarly hangover make you happy?
- Does that extra serving of food make you happy?
- Does racking up your credit cards with too many material items make you happy?
- Does being dependent on someone for your happiness, make you happy?
- Does challenging your body to do something it's never done make you happy?
- Does helping another person or creature make you happy?
- Does giving yourself time alone to nurture the much neglected part of yourself make you happy?
- Does connecting with nature make you happy?
It's time to let go of the crap that's cluttering up your true goal - Happiness. You deserve it, no doubt about that . . . we all deserve Happiness!
In two weeks, I will dig in deep with some of you on the topics like this one, as well as many other that are holding you back. We will practice giving ourselves the time and space to enjoy movement in our bodies, and love of ourselves.
There is still space in the KM Body Refine Week with me. Let's strip away the guck and get into the intimate recesses of yourself - maybe all that you want will come into your grasp as a result!
Maybe today's post is inspiration enough for your journey, either way I am happily here for you!
Thanks for reading and letting me share my journey!